U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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