Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
