The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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