dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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