God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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