YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
