I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
