I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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