well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
