i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out