Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
