I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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