i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
