you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
