sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
