I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
