your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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