My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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