I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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