He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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