Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
