After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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