seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
