im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
