i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
