I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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