highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
