He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
