I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
