The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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