Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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