I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
