You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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