I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
