i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
