He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
