she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
