he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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