it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
