i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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