he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
