So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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