chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
