Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
