Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
