This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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