what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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