Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
