Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
