The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
