I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
There's a naked man in my car right now.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
