i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
