I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
