Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
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he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
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Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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