the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
