So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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