he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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